What, You Think This is Fun? – A Depression Post
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That feeling of choking on fresh air. You know the sensation? You gulp and gulp, screaming in your head for air, fresh air, stale air, air. It’s sort of like trying to swim an Olympic race in a pool full of hot tar. That’s sort of what Depression feels like sometimes.
Except you go through life, and smile at the jokes and get outraged at the news and you put on a brave face. Or a mask. Or both. Your life becomes a trudge. One foot in front of the other, a stumble to the finish line. Arrive home, make nice then make a dent in the sofa. Lather, rinse, repeat. One day doesn’t blend into another, they simply are.
Don’t get me wrong, I still take joy in some things. Seeing pictures of little people being little people, my daughter, the voice of my wife on the phone or the same room always gives me a happy. But, I’ve noticed that certain things like watching sports is done more out of habit now as opposed to desire. My mind wanders, I read during the game or try to. I check email, twitter, facebook, email, twitter, facebook…and sit there, denting the sofa.
There are well-meaning people who want you do “do what’s best” and “get help” and so forth. And I appreciate it. You’ve no idea. I’m so grateful I’m not in the position of the woman described in this post by my friend Stereo*. I don’t have the dismissive attitude from friends and family. I’m surrounded by love and support, just a phone call away. Still, I feel like I’m in the midst of a cocoon of marshmallows with the pressures of everyday life just out of reach. I’ve insulated myself to the point of not giving a damn about a lot of things.
More than ideation (in the medical sense), this scares me. Terrifies me, actually. Quietly, of course. Terror is muted, as is most everything else. Still, this beats hell out of not giving a damn at all, y’know?
I gotta admit, I sometimes think the worst is over. I’ve written more lately, got off my butt a bit more and participated in life. Read for longer periods of time, and something that my wife noticed is that I’ve been better about feeding the birds. That was one of her clues that something wasn’t as it should be. I sure hope so. I see a friend next week that I hope to talk to about some of this and maybe get some relief.
And write more.
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Birds Nobody Loves by James Brush: A Review
Birds Nobody Loves by James Brush
My rating: 5 of 5 stars
A marvelous collection about Vultures and Grackles, truly birds nobody loves. Yet, Brush brings a sensitivity and true appreciation for both of these unloved birds. With a sympathetic eye and a touch of humor, Brush shows why we should at the least appreciate, if not love, these birds.
Wonderful collection. Highly recommended.
KELLIE ELMORE And her Writing Space
Welcome back! Today as we continue with the Writing Spaces series, we welcome Kellie Elmore from Magic in the Backyard. As always, if you’d like a closer look at the photo, give it a click. My thanks to Kellie for participating and look out for her new book coming in May! If you’d like to see prior entries in the Series, click here. Thanks for stopping by!
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When Mark approached me about writing a piece for his Writing Spaces, of course I was flattered and I happily accepted although I cringed a little inside when I realized that I would be sharing a photo. Cringing only because I do all of my writing on my laptop, in my bedroom and on my bed. This may not seem scary to you but, put that together with the fact that I am (confession time, eek!) a smoker and I have a bad habit of bringing my food and drink to “work” well, you can imagine the chaos around me. So, need less to say, the following image of the laptop on the bed, is not mine.
One of the great things about writing is that even though I am snuggled up on my bed, tucked in beneath my chocolate and blue striped comforter, and the cackle of our one wild baney rooster outside my window, I can actually go anywhere I want to go with just a few little pecks on my keyboard.
Memories for one, are the main source of inspiration for most everything that I write and this bedroom I write in just happens to be the room where I grew up. At one point, it was shared with my sister who liked to paint my toes and braid my hair, on the bed which then was pushed up against the far wall leaving more floor space because we needed more room in our “apartment” for the couch and floor model t.v. we dreamed of moving in. And the small window above this bed has spat me out onto the ground many times, when we would sneak out to the school yard in the middle of the night.
The kitchen, just beyond the bedroom door, has a little under cabinet radio with cassette player that my grandma used to listen to while she was cooking, and she was always cookiing. Sometimes, when my son comes in from school, he heads straight for the kitchen, turns on that old radio and hits the fridge. It’s almost like hearing grandma piddling around in there again and there comes the memories…
In the spring, when the weather becomes warm enough to open the windows, the smells that whisper in through the curtains and the sight of tulips beginning to bloom in the flower beds around the tree’s, reminds me of playing in the yard, running through sprinklers and even breaking my ankle while running from brother in a game of tag. It swelled up the size of a softball. I will never forget the sound of that snap! And when I hear a car hit the gravel in the driveway next door, I’m think of uncle coming back from a ride up to the mountains and he will surely be coming through the door soon, to ask me what’s for supper.
So you see, I may not have a typical office space that one would assume a writer would have but, what I do have is an endless amount of memories to keep me writing, right here from the comfort of my bed, tucked in beneath my chocolate and blue striped comforter, and the cackle of our one wild baney rooster outside my window, and I can go anywhere I want to go with just a few little pecks on my keyboard.
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Kellie Elmore is a writer who knows no bounds. She believes self-expression is most beautiful in its pure, raw and unedited form. “No rules, just write” is her motto.
Kellie finds inspiration in nature and in the humble surroundings of her “backyard” – Southeast Tennessee. Through poetry and prose, Kellie writes freely about cherished and magical moments as well as tragic losses. Her goal is to take readers back, rekindle a memory or elicit a feeling. Charles Bukowski wrote, “If it doesn’t burst out of you, don’t do it.” Kellie agrees and states, “If it were not for my pen, I would explode! Writing is my happy pill.” Join Kellie as she writes her way through life’s journey – magic in the backyard.
Magic in the Backyard, a collection of poetry and prose by Kellie Elmore will be released in May of this year via Winter Goose Publishing.
ADA LIMÓN And her Writing Space
Welcome! It’s been a while since any of these Guest Posts appeared. I’m thrilled to be starting them up again and hope to stick to a weekly schedule. I’ve managed to assemble a nifty collection of writers and hope to continue as long as creative types are willing to participate. My thanks in advance to one and all.
Today’s Guest Post is by Ada Limón. All photo’s can be viewed a bit larger by clicking on them. Enjoy!
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I like to think that I could write anywhere, and maybe I could. If I needed to, if time was running out, if I was struck by some extraordinary need to tornado a poem or a story right then and there, I think I could. But for the real day to day of it, the “I am going to work,” part of writing, I like to have a specific writing space. My space. It’s a space that says now is the time to shut the world out and create your own new world.
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I think some writers don’t need a designated area. They can write in coffee shops and bars and all sorts of fun places with beverages. That’s difficult for me because I read everything out loud. No one wants a crazy girl at the end of the bar reading a poem or a passage out loud over and over. My writing space doesn’t have to be fancy, but it does have to be somewhat private. I need to feel free to play with words out loud without judgment.

I like a space that’s fairly clutter-free: not a lot of papers on surfaces, not too many things to look at. I do, however, like the things on my desk to have meaning. Right now my desk has a few pictures of family and friends, a stack of books that I return to often for inspiration or research, and two vases of pens (the vases are handmade from my mother in the 70’s). There is also one long green ceramic tray that says “Writing,” and was given to me by my friend, fellow writer Nicole Callihan, when I had the honor of having a poem in the New Yorker. That’s where I keep my glasses. There is a jar of beach glass, a large bottle of water, and, since I am writing this in the morning, there is also a cup of coffee and a to-do list for the day.
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I’m a big fan of the list. I write one every morning. Today, I have this blog post on the list. And some other bits and pieces of things that make up my life. A list is a great organizing tool. It gives me a small sense of control, when life can feel otherwise chaotic. I learned this when I worked for magazines in New York. But now that I work from home, I need it even more. The day can quickly get away from me when all the hours are seemingly my own. I even put what I want to do exercise-wise on the list to make sure I get up and do yoga, or jog, or hike, or go to the gym. For me, physical movement is as important to the brain as reading.
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I am also a fan of corners. When we first moved to the bluegrass, we had nothing in our apartment. All my things were either in Brooklyn, NY, or Sonoma, CA, so it was hard to create spaces. Now that most things are here, I like to set up little corners in the house for reading or for visiting. My office has a corner chair for afternoon reading and for visitors. The chair is also good for staring out the window.
The window looks out on a big maple tree. Today it is raining, but the tree doesn’t seem to mind one bit.
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I have a guitar in my office. I don’t play very well, or very often, but when I do, I like to have it right there. Most of all, I like to sing, which I think is good for my brain, too. I have a meditation cushion, or zafu, in my office as well. I’ve been trying to meditate daily, though I admit, this month, most of my meditation has been walking meditation.
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There is also the very important, very formidable, presence of a small dog in my office. She has a bed in my office and a bed in my boyfriend’s office. She goes back and forth all day making sure we are both doing our jobs. She can be distracting at times and demands a walk, food, or love, but for the most part she serves as a great stress easer and comic relief. Right now, she is asleep.
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In Sonoma, California, I also have a little writing area I’ve set up in a kitchen area. There is a cozy apartment my friends let me borrow, and in it I have some books and a great orange kitchen where I’ve written a great deal of my first novel.
When I first decided to quit my job and try to write fulltime, I found that one of the first things I had to do in order to really get started, was to create safe, welcoming, clean writing spaces. For me, creating a space that was official, or meant only for the purpose of writing, was essential. Occasionally, I will write outdoors when it’s sunny and warm, but often the best, most concentrated work is done at my designated writing station, where writing is deemed the most important, most crucial thing to do. I have a sign in the orange California kitchen that simply says, “You are doing what you are supposed to be doing.” And, I think, when writing areas are at their very best, that is what they are saying all the time.
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ADA LIMÓN grew up in Glen Ellen and Sonoma, California. A graduate of New York University’s MFA Creative Writing Program, she has received fellowships from the Provincetown Fine Arts Work Center, the New York Foundation for the Arts, and won the Chicago Literary Award for Poetry. Her work has appeared in The New Yorker, Harvard Review, and Poetry Daily. She is the author of three books of poetry, Lucky Wreck (Autumn House Press, 2006), This Big Fake World (Pearl Editions, 2007), and Sharks in the Rivers (Milkweed Editions, 2010). She is currently at work on a novel, a book of essays, and a new collection of poems.
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My thanks to Ada for this wonderful post. You can read the other entries in the series here, and come back next week for another glimpse into Writing Spaces.
Three Thoughts for Saturday 2/10/12
- I wonder, does it make me a bad guy to not enjoy listening to music I’ve loved all my life because I found out somebody who has caused me pain loves the same music and the association is too strong to ignore? Or does that make me weak?
- My Aunt Violet has said more than once, “There’s no better place to be than on the inside of a hug”
- “Cutting Edge” is sometimes another way of saying “putting lipstick on a pig.”





